Denial, Prep, and so many more adventures ahead

I am in an absolute, complete state of denial!  We are moving in basically three weeks, and I have done nothing.  Yes, I am tying up lose ends and spending as much time with family and friends as possible, but if you look around my house you wouldn't know there is even the thought of a move going on.  Now, if you look in my garage, the boxes have finally been brought down from the attic, so there are supplies ready, but that is it!  I don't really know what I am waiting for. We found out today that we have temporary housing, so we know where we are going to lay our heads when we get there.  I am so thankful for this rental house, but it is definitely going to be a new adventure.  We are going to have one bathroom for all of us, and there is no dishwasher.  Can you say, paper plates and cups?  And, until today, we didn't think we were going to have a stove.  I don't understand a rental house without a stove, but it seems to be a common theme.  But, somehow, we are going to be able to have a stove too!  So, now that I can say we have a place to live, I guess I need to start making the preparations for getting there.  Usually, it doesn't take being under pressure to get me going, but maybe that is what it will take.  Who knows! 

This is truly an adventure that we have ahead, as we have seen with simply looking for a place to live.  The other night, I was in tears and told my husband that it just shouldn't be this hard.  I have had such peace in knowing that we are following God's lead on our lives, and for a split second I got in my head that thought that now, it should be easy.  Of course, it isn't going to be easy.  Even when you are following God completely, there are going to be hills and valleys.  Just like I said with the storms we literally traveled through, we are going to travel through figurative storms too!  I am going to try hard to remember it is an adventure and not storms, and as many people have said, "WE ARE MAKING MEMORIES!"

Storms

Pardon the bad pun, but this post has been brewing in my head for a week now.  But, as with so many things when you are the mom of young children, this has literally been the first time I could sit down at the computer.  Of course, I should be going to bed and getting sleep to prepare for the day-to-day and the fact that week is Spring Break, but whats a little less sleep in the grand scheme of things!

We returned on Monday from the weekend of events.  This week, I haven't thought about the upcoming outcome, but rather reflecting on the road there.  Last week while we were traveling, we traveled through MAJOR storms.  It rained for nearly six hours turning an 8 hour trip into 11 1/2 hours.  In the midst of the craziness of trying to continue to entertain my girls, I thought about the time before this when we traveled for the interview process.  We boarded a plane at 10:30 in the morning.  At 9:30 that night, we arrived at a destination, not quite where we were suppose to be, completely delayed and set back by a snow storm.  At both times, I remember having a moment when God said, "Yes, there are going to be storms.  Yes, this is going to be difficult.  But, if you follow my path and my will, I will bring you through it to brighter skies."  On both of our trips, once we had our traveling day, we had brighter skies and everything came together well.  So many times through my life, I haven't handled the storms well.  I have fought and resisted and tried to think that I know best. Now, as I realize that I have done this, I realize that my peace and understanding of follow God is much greater.  So many times, I have gone through the storms and been mad about it.  But, now, I am holding on to the peace of knowing that the road ahead is going to have difficulty, but God is with me and my family, because we are grounded in Him.

And, with that, the first of the new road is soon beginning.  We found out today that the vote was taken, and it was a very strong vote.  We have accepted the call to the new church, and we will be beginning that process.  It is a very bittersweet process for me, in that we will be leaving a town close to my family and with wonderful friends.  There is the question right now in that we don't even know where we are going to live when we get there, and things are moving very fast.  But, all I can say is that I have to ride through the storm and know that there will be peace that follows it!

Time is getting close

It is almost here.  No, not Christmas, not Easter, not a big birthday, but rather the weekend, we are going in view of call.  My husband is stressed beyond stressed in anticipation of the weekend of events and also the unknown.  My stress is partial denial along with trying to be a support to him, and also prepare all of the logistics of traveling with two young children and being in a place unknown.  My oldest likes to know and be prepared for everything, but she is also a big talker.  So, I have been trying to tell what we can without it being something that has too many questions that we can't answer right now.  We haven't been mentioning the word moving, new house, or new church in front of her.  Luckily, she is going to be able to spend time with grandparents while we are there, so she is excited about that.  I have decided that I can't think about it constantly, so I don't have anything that is too enlightening right now, but rather simply needed to take a chance to write a little.  We both completely believe that we are following God's calling on our lives.  That doesn't mean we aren't scared and hesitant.  I am reminding myself of what God has done throughout my life and especially during the last few months.  With that, I am simply relying on prayer, looking forward, and seeing what step we will take next!

"When do I get to sleep in?'

This morning both of my girls decided to sleep in, or at least later than 7:00.  Now, this seems like a good thing, but this is a day that we had MOPS, so I had to be up and ready.  My husband looked at me and said, "Why do they sleep in when we can't?"  I simply looked back with irritation in my voice and said, "When do I EVER get to sleep in?"  Yesterday was a frustrating day with a late night as I prepared for a yard sale, so when I woke up this morning with my three year old in bed with me, I just wasn't ready to face the day.  Don't get me wrong, I love my MOPS group, so it wasn't that. I am simply feeling overwhelmed and from the beginning felt uncertain of how I was going to get everything done.  Yesterday, I broke down at the computer as I couldn't get gmail to work.  It was nothing major, but it just felt as if it was simply another thing that I couldn't control and get to work.  All part of that having to wait, having to believe, having to trust.

And then, we got to MOPS.  I got to get dressed with no distraction, so that was a definite plus.  We got ready, and I managed to get there a few minutes early to get set-up the the things that needed to be ready in advance.  What helped and struck me though was some words from our speaker today.  She is the mom of 12, with her youngest being 5.  As she told us, she didn't come to us as a mom of twelve, but rather to encourage us as godly women and mothers.  She had the words that I needed to hear and remember.  She reminded me that God has made this plan for each us and blessed each of us with the children and circumstances that we are in right now.  We have to embrace the moments and remember that these are memory makers.

But, at the end, she said, "Make-up your mind that you can do it!  It may be hard, but you can do it!"  No matter how many kids we may have or what we may be dealing with, we have to make our minds up that we can do it, and we can't let other thoughts get in our way.  So, I may never really sleep again, but I can do it, because God has placed me with these two children.  I may not know what the next few weeks hold, but I have to try to remember that I can do it.  I am not saying that I won't have a breakdown or twenty, but when some help, I will make-up my mind that I CAN DO IT!

A trial, a test, a plead

These days, it is like everything strikes me with a message or an ah-ha moment.  I don't know if it is because I am searching for it more, or if I am trusting to see God's message and reminders more.  This morning during church, we sang a chorus called "Give me Jesus."  In the song, it says, in the morning, give me Jesus. When I am alone, give me Jesus.  It also says, "You may have all this world, but give me Jesus."  It made me think more about the week I have had and various moments when it was only with keeping this thought that I am able to move forward, especially with the possibility of upcoming change and the question of how I am going to be able to handle it. 

The first came with the trial of day were nothing was going right.  I have already told about the day, but what I didn't say is how that morning in the car before getting to the play date, my thought was this --- "God, what am I going to do when we have a difficult morning, and we don't have friends waiting to play with us?" I was taken back to when we first moved here, and I had to find things to do with my then only child.  I sat there thinking, "I don't want to start over!"  Even though, I feel like I have learned a lot about who I am and how to make friends again, there are definitely those selfish thoughts of "I like where I am.  I like our friends.  I like my life as is!"  So, in this trial, I simply wanted to be like a preschooler who simply wanted to plant their feet on the floor and not move!

As the week moved on, though, I got a chance to test myself.  Friday came, and after many tries, I wasn't able to arrange a playdate for the girls.  I had to run some errands, so I decided that we would make a stop at Barnes and Noble and then move to our other errands.  I knew that it had a little area for kids to play with, so I thought that it was the best place to find a birthday present and let the girls be entertained.  To my surprise, there was even more for the girls to do, and we made it by ourselves and had fun.  I sat there and thought, it may be lonely at first, but we can do this!

And then came the plead.  No matter what, I desire to be following God's call for my life and our lives.  But, as I talk to friends at other churches, I am envious of the large Sunday School classes they are part of, small groups, and friendships that they have formed.  I know that I shouldn't be jealous of it, but it is hard not desire it.  I simply made the plead again this week, with the hope that we will have this.  I don't know for sure, but it is simply my plead, my prayer, my desire.

But, with this all, I go back to the chorus from this morning, and remind myself, give me Jesus, give me, Jesus,  give me, Jesus, and with that, I can ride the trials, pass the tests, and pray for answers and assurance when it comes to my pleads!

Just not feeling it

I have found that there are those moments when you just aren't feeling it as a mom.  You don't know why, but the day starts in such a way that it is only going downhill, and you can't do much to change it.  Today has been one of those days.

 I have a three and a half year old, who wants to be in the middle of everything and enjoys talking non stop.  As a new parent, you wait and wait for your child to say their first word, and then you realize that it only means that they won't stop talking and the questions ensue.  Don't take me wrong, I love my daughter, and she can say some of the funniest things.  But, she also doesn't nap anymore.  So, that means there is no break in the day from the why, what, how, when, and where that she is wondering about.  Now, I also have a 14 month old who has reached the point of screaming about everything.  Today, she has decided that she simply is not happy about anything! 

So, the day began with no school for my oldest, no Bible study for us to attend, and no plans until 10:30.  At 8:30, we were ready to go, my youngest was screaming. I simply sat back and wondered if the day could go uphill.  We made it out the door, and arrived early to our destination.  Played, ate, and I thought that things were looking good.  And then, it came time for a diaper change.  Little did I know that the dirty diaper was oozing out on to me, until we reached the bathroom.  At that point, I decided that we were done, and it was time to head home. 

Until five minutes ago, I really didn't think I would find any peace in the day.  When we walked in the door, I sent up on of my popcorn prayers, simply asking for God's help.  That was about all I could muster to say at that time, because it was either that or explode.  As I sit here right now, I can say, I am beginning to be able to feel not only the strength to go on with the day as a mommy, but also the peace of God around me.  My three year old is asleep on the couch, after asking many times if she could get up from rest time.  My 14 month old is still sleeping.  There is silence in the house!  And I can pause, think, and praise God for reminding me once again that it only takes a second to return to Him, and He will help when you aren't feeling it!  So, with that being said, I am actually going to use this time to rest myself, regroup, and face the rest of the day with a new sense of peace!

So what am I referring to...

I keep making reference to preparing me for what is ahead.  Of course, there are things that I don’t know about, but there are also those things that have happened in the last few months that I know God has been preparing me for by reminding me that I have to be grounded in Him in order to have any strengthen at all to survive, endure, and handle it all.

Being a pastor’s wife, there are a lot of ups and downs that you face.  There are definitely days that you don’t feel like putting on a happy face and being around anyone but you have too. You have to be ready to take on a variety of activities and projects, even if you have never done it before and you don’t know what you are doing or if you will have any volunteers.  But, the hardest part is when a move is needed to be made and you have to start the process of looking for new churches and the secrets, etc that come along with it.  So, I am at this point right now.  We have had to be in this process with the secrets, uncertainty, and scary and exciting thoughts about a new place and adventure. 

We have been in our current location for not quite 3 years.  The best part of this location has been that I have been close to my family.  Before this point, we lived far from any family, and when we had our first child, it was very difficult.  There were also a lot of things going on that made me feel very isolated.  I knew when we were blessed with this opportunity to be close to family, it wouldn’t be forever.  But, knowing that thought and having it as a reality are two completely different things. 

As I was nearing the end of my healing process and expecting life to return back to normal, we received the call of an interview that puts us in another state.  I have done everything you can imagine to fight this.  Not only is it the distance, but it is in a small town, which is much different from where we are.  I have spent many days sad about leaving family and the wonderful friendships that we have made.  But, at the same time, there is a peace that we are following God’s lead in our lives.  Of course, there are moments when I question it. 

Last week, in a Bible Study I am doing, the following verses were part of the study:

“Rejoice in the Lord always.  Again I will say, rejoice!  Let your gentleness be known to all men.  The Lord is at hand.  Be Anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:4-7

The study had us work through these verses in turning our anxieties to peace.  Of course, I thought of my current situation and anticipating a change and move.  Through working through those words, I was able to redirect myself back to God’s word and at least vocalize the elements of my worry.  I am not saying that I don’t think about it or get anxious, but I am able to pull on these verses and others and allow myself to be grounded in it, especially as we move forward and see what the next month or so brings!  So, change is probably imminent, anxiety is high, but God, has reminded me that I can only do anything when I do it through Him!

Changing my Ways

Once I determined that I was going to be in a cast for two weeks, completely immobile, and even after that, I would still be inhibited in what I could do, it was time to figure out how the girls would be taken care of.  Paul quickly decided that he would set up an office at home and be available as much as possible.  My parents were able to come to our house or have us at their house if Paul had to be at the church for extended periods of time.  I couldn’t be left alone with the children, because I couldn’t even pick up Charlotte or do anything unless it was one handed, and not even my dominant hand. After a week or so, Paul’s mom came into town to continue the helping out process. Many, many friends brought us meals, and "babysat" the girls when needed. 

Throughout it all, I found myself still making sure that the girls’ needs were meet and didn’t ask for much for myself.  But, I kept reminding myself to not feel sorry for myself.  There were many times that I could let myself have those moments where I could feel like I can’t believe this had happened.  Don’t get me wrong, I definitely said that many times during the process, but I would at least try to laugh it off a bit.  Through it all, I had to remind myself to stay grounded in God, because on those days when my arm hurt more, or Paul was exhausted from being pulled in so many directions, or the girls just had another moment where they just didn’t understand why mommy couldn’t do the same things, it would be very easy to fall backwards, rather than moving forward in the process of healing and growing in my understanding of God’s plan for me. 

I was officially cleared by the doctor on Friday, January 20 – over three months from the day it happened.  I wore a cast.  I spent many weeks being robo-mama in my elbow hinged brace and doing exercises to help strengthen my elbow and the tendon. I went nearly 4 weeks without being able to care for my children on my own and over a month without driving.  I had great family and friends who provided meals for me and offered to do whatever I needed.  And most of all, I learned that I can’t do it all.  God has put people in my life to help me, strengthen me in times of need, and be a support where it is needed.  And this further helps in grounding this mommy and preparing me for what He has ahead of me, and I can already tell that it isn't going to be the easiest road to travel, but it will have many great benefits both short and long term.

The day that God literally took my feet out from under me

October 12, 2011 ----

The day didn’t even start a normal day.  The week had been one of many emotions with Paul and me in the midst of a fight and barely talking.  I remember going to bed the night before with the prayer that God would help us see how we could move on from where we were right then.  Well, God sure had his way! 

I woke up in the morning, getting Mary Ellen ready for school and sending her off on her way.  I think that Charlotte and I went to run errands and we ended up going to my parent’s house.  I am not sure if we had a purpose or just wasting time.  Well, after picking Mary Ellen up at school, I picked up lunch and came back.  Charlotte went down for a nap, and Mary Ellen was resting.  I needed to find brown shoes for Mary Ellen and mom needed me to check on a few things for Paul’s birthday.  I took off to run these few errands, but my plans changed.  After making one stop and researching the possibility of getting Paul a new I-phone for his birthday, I began to take the trek into Belk that changed it all. 

I actually don’t remember many details, but as time has passed, I seem to be able to figure out what happened.  One day, I may know all of the details, if I see the surveillance video, but that is a whole other issue.  It could tell us what happened or have for us a chance at winning America’s Funniest Home videos!

But, back to the events --- From what I recall, I walked into the store with my eyes set on my destination of the shoe department, and the next thing I know, I was on the floor with both feet flown out from me.  Of course, my first response was to jump up and declare that I was fine to the people that saw it and were checking on me.  Within seconds though, I could tell otherwise.  I was getting very woozy, and I began to realize that I couldn’t move my right arm.  Now, I have fallen many times. I am a klutz, but I have never had an injury from something like this.  (I have broken my elbow, but it happened in softball, so I don’t consider it a klutzy move :))  As they got the manager and she began asking questions, I was still being my stubborn self completely convinced that the pain was going to pass and I was going to be okay and be able to go back to the schedule and plans that I had for the day.  Well, that time didn’t come.  I eventually gave into that I needed to call Paul, and I was probably going to have to get it checked out.   

To make this part of the story shorter, I did end up in the Emergency Room for many hours in much pain to find out that I had dislocated my elbow, fractured my elbow, and tore a ligament.  I came out of there with my arm in a cast and sling with the need to see an orthopedic the following day to determine what was ahead of me. 

That night when I got home, it was very late, I was very tired, drugged, and overwhelmed by how everything had changed.  What I did know was that Paul and I were talking, and we both knew and had been tested through the fact that no matter what we may face, we are going to be there for each other.  Yes, we were still aware of what had brought about the fight, but it wasn’t something we could dwell on any more at that time, because things were going to be very different over the next few months.  This mommy who was used to doing everything, and doesn’t ask for help much, was going to have to change her ways.  When you can’t even dress or bath yourself, there is little that you can do for your nearly 1 year old and 3 year old.  Within a few days, I realized that God had lots of lessons for me, and He needed to get my attention.  At that the time, I felt as if I was grounded from being a mom to my kids, because I needed everyone to take care of me.  But, what I have come to realize is that I needed to be grounded more in God, and it was only through that I am going to move forward and stay focused and grounded in God in the path that we were about to embark on.  I am not saying that I have not fought it along the way, but my perspective is much different and all I have to do is move my arm, and I still have a slight reminder of the day that God literally took me off my feet and made me a GROUNDED MOMMY!